i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
