she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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