Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
