Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
