its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
