Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
