Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
