remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
