A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
