matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
