The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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