I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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