I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dignity is for republicans.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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