my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
