i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
