You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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