I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
