Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
