Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
