I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
