I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
