Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
