I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
