I think scott just propositioned me for sex
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
