I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My vagina is very pro this idea
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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