I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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