Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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