So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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