she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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