no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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