just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
