i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
