Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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