I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
