Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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