Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
