I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
