I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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