I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
