the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
