I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
