Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
