Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
