I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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