Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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