i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
