i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
