so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
