Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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