i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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