Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
